Grandparent Favoritism: When to Deal and When to Bail
Family favoritism is the affliction that keeps on giving. From Shakespeare to Tennessee Williams, authors have relied on favoritism to thicken plotlines and quicken pulses for good reasons. Its familiar nature all but guarantees audience identification. Even more deliciously, it provides the motivation for some seriously egregious behaviors.
Real-life favoritism, however, has far less delicious appeal than the fictionalized variety—especially when the preferential treatment comes from grandparents. Yes, grandparents, those iconic beings charged with sprinkling unconditional love and inter-generational wisdom like fairy dust. Yet many remain mired in the muck of conflict and preferential treatment.
Emmy Moretti is all too familiar with grandparent favoritism. The 37-year-old IT specialist and busy mother of two dreaded holiday dinners at her grandparents’ rambling house near Montreal. As one of eleven grandchildren from a boisterous Italian Canadian family, Emmy was aware of her least-favored status from an early age, as well as her cousin’s status as the golden girl.
“I thought we’d all grow up and grow out of it,” Emmy says over a cup of steaming coffee at a downtown Montreal café. “That never really happened. Now it’s become a generational thing— my youngest daughter and my cousin’s kid.”
The cousin in question is Emmy’s nemesis and her grandparents’ favorite. “Doesn’t matter what I’ve done with my life,” she says, frustration showing on her face, “when my family gets together, I’m six years old again. I don’t want my kids to go through that.”
Emmy’s fears are not the paranoid ramblings of an unhinged mind. Research suggests that favoritism is often passed down from one generation to the next, cultivated by the privileged like a prized garden. Neither is Emmy’s story unique. Grandparent favoritism—which frequently takes the form of extra gifts and attention—is an unfortunate fact for many families.
Acknowledging favoritism’s pervasive nature is the easy part. Figuring out what to do about it is another matter that often reopens old childhood wounds. There’s some good news, though. Not all grandparent favoritism is harmful and when it is, there are plenty of coping strategies.
Before plotting out a strategy in anticipation of the next family gatherings, though, you might want to spend a little time separating out the truly harmful from the merely annoying variations of favoritism. Only the former requires a coping strategy. For the latter, which just about everyone experiences, it’s probably best to just plaster on a smile and persevere.
Key Characteristics of Favoritism
Cultural Norms vs Reality
Cultural norms depict grandparents as wise elders, presiding over family gatherings with an even hand and a serene smile. But achieving cultural ideals is often impossible given the herculean task of doling out fair treatment across multiple grandchildren and a vast array of circumstances.
It’s no wonder even the most well-intentioned grandparents fail. Add to that the fact that not all grandparents are well-intentioned, and the potential for family conflict is boundless.
Even parents, with their greater stake in creating conflict-free families, show significant levels of favoritism. Jeffrey Kluger, author of The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us, argues that favoritism is hardwired into our brains. "It is my belief that 95 per cent of the parents in the world have a favorite child, and the other five per cent are lying,” he writes.
Lest you think Kluger is engaging in hyperbole to promote book sales, there is plenty of evidence to support his claims. In one study, Karl Pillemer and his colleagues at Cornell University interviewed 275 Boston-area mothers in their 60s and 70s. Seventy percent reported having a favorite child, even after their children reached adulthood. Instead of taking on the role of wise elder, many aging parents are still trapped in conflicts that dogged their families for decades.
Not surprisingly, grandparents are part of this ongoing cycle of preferential treatment. The effects of childhood favoritism can last decades and span generations. Adults who believe they were unfavored have more distant relationships with their parents, which weakens the bonds between grandparents and grandkids.
Conversely, when grandparents and their adult children are close, it encourages grandchildren to establish close ties with grandparents.
Social support strengthens relationships to an even greater extent. Children have more opportunities to develop warm relationships with grandparents when their parents and grandparents help one another.
Favoritism is Obvious
Another key feature of favoritism is that it’s obvious to everyone, especially kids. Most children are heat-seeking missiles when it comes to accurately pinpointing favoritism.
Other family members are no slouches, either. According to Dr. Ellen Libby, author of The Favorite Child, in dysfunctional families, favoritism is frequently the only thing members agree upon. She observed a high degree of consensus regarding who was favored even when families agreed on little else.
Favoritism Takes Different Forms
Favoritism may be common and obvious, but it’s also a slippery shape shifter. Filtered through the brains of individuals as unique as Tennessee Williams’ character, Big Daddy, and Shakespeare’s King Lear, favoritism is expressed in infinite ways. Yet, there are broad similarities that help to differentiate the annoying from the harmful varieties. Libby provides a useful distinction by identifying fluid and fixed forms of favoritism.
Fluid Favoritism: Should Grandparents Treat All Grandkids the Same?
Fluid favoritism shifts from one family member to another, so in theory, everyone has their time in the spotlight. One grandparent may prefer babies while another enjoys the company of teens. Grandparents may provide extra attention to a child who is bullied or going through a family crisis, but the favoritism does not last once the problems are resolved.
Since favoritism is fluid, it does not devalue children as individuals. At some point, every child will be a baby and a teen, so each will have an opportunity to shine.
Fixed Favoritism: Where the Harm Lies
Fixed favoritism does not shift from one grandchild to the next. Instead, it consistently elevates some over others. When a grandparent singles out a particular child for special treatment, the family dynamic can quickly shift into unhealthy territory.
Although fixed favoritism often appears random, it’s more likely that its genesis is difficult to identify. In some cases, though, favoritism follows a path with well-worn ruts. The matrilineal advantage, where mothers favor daughters and their daughters’ offspring, is one example of a pattern that occurs repeatedly.
Daughters also have closer ties to their own parents than to their in-laws, and maternal grandparents often form more meaningful bonds with their grandchildren. The close bonds found between maternal grandmothers and grandchildren persist even after grandchildren set up independent households.
The matrilineal advantage is not necessarily harmful; in fact, it’s often well accepted as just a fact of life. But given the range of individual differences in families, any pattern that systematically values some children over others has the power to inflict harm. Forewarned is forearmed.
Favoritism according to birth order also follows a distinct pattern that singles out categories of children for favored treatment. The fate of middle-born children is not just a mom-loved-you-best trope. Studies consistently find that middle-born children are less favored than their older and younger siblings, and first-born and last-born children are more likely to be favored by their mothers. Birth order helps explain favoritism even after the children enter adulthood.
Yikes! Middleborns feel free to vent. It’s unfair. It’s categorically unfair.
When to Worry About Toxic Grandparents
Grandparents play a powerful role in families, hosting gatherings, disseminating family information, and often setting the tone for how family members are treated. When favoritism is involved, it sets a benchmark for how people are valued and treated within the family.
Children are especially vulnerable. Making sense of complicated family situations is often outside the scope of their understanding. Emmy knows that well. “What I really didn’t get as a kid,” she says, “is that the situation was the result of my grandparents’ inadequacies, not mine. It took me a long time to figure that out.” It also caused Emmy a lot of unnecessary pain and self-doubt.
Depression Plagues Both Favored and Unfavored Grandchildren
According to Karl Pillemer, “It doesn’t matter if you are favored or not. Unequal treatment has damaging effects for all children” including depression and conflict-ridden relationships in adulthood.
Libby attributes these negative consequences to the tensions associated with being chosen as well as not being chosen. The unfavored child longs for favored status; the golden child feels pressure to maintain that status, or sometimes even guilt over their elevated position in relation to their peers.
Pillemer notes that “Whether mom’s golden child or her black sheep, siblings who sense that their mother consistently favors or rejects one child are more likely to show depressive symptoms as middle-aged adults.” The same can be said for grandparent favoritism. Although exposure is more limited, consistent grandparent favoritism is still harmful.
Favoritism Creates Inter-Family Conflicts
Favoritism’s symbiotic twin is resentment. Resentment tugs at the ties that bind families, weakening relationships among siblings, cousins, and in-laws. Unsurprisingly, relationships among siblings, in particular, are most positive when treatment of adult children is equal.
Children have a great deal to lose when families are divided. Extended families provide huge benefits to children who grow up surrounded by loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. In addition to forming the foundation for lasting memories, extended families provide stability in times of crisis and during a divorce. Favoritism creates conflicts that deprive children of these benefits.
Grandparent Favoritism has a Greater Effect when Love and Support are Scarce
For dysfunctional families, the effects of differential treatment on children are much stronger. Alex Jensen analyzed 282 families with teenage siblings for a study that appears in the Journal of Family Psychology. For families that do not share close relationships, favoritism is associated with stronger negative effects. To make matters worse, favoritism is also more common when parents have higher levels of stress associated with marital or health problems.
Favored Children Feel Entitled
According to Libby in The Favorite Child, favored children grow up knowing how to get what they want from important adults around them. They master the art of manipulation and are frequently not held accountable for their behavior. Favored children are prone to feelings of entitlement that last well beyond childhood and often mar their adult relationships.
The Unfavored Child Suffers Along Multiple Dimensions
Least-favored children experience lower levels of self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of social responsibility. They’re also subject to higher levels of aggression, depression, and externalizing behaviors. Libby argues that least-favored children spent their lives looking for validation. They grow up insecure, struggle to establish intimacy, and are easily angered and frustrated.
If that does not sound like the kind of legacy you were hoping to leave your offspring, it’s time to consider ramping up the resources for dealing with favoritism.
Strategies for Handling Favoritism
Monitor Favoritism to Ensure its Fluid, Not Fixed
Most families will need to resign themselves to tolerating some degree of favoritism, given its ubiquitous nature.
When deciding how much is too much, it’s useful to recall Libby’s distinction between the fixed and fluid types. If favoritism is benign and fluid, your child may not perceive favoritism at all. Even if they do, no action might be needed beyond a brief chat. If favoritism is systematic and fixed, though, it’s definitely time to take some measures to limit the damage.
Call a Group Meeting
Open communication among all family members can be one of the best means to combat the harm. The first step is to call a family meeting on neutral territory, if possible. You might be surprised to find that the parents of that glittering golden child are uncomfortable with the situation. And grandparents might be completely unaware of their blatantly preferential behavior and apologetically promise to make immediate amends.
When I suggest the possibility of golden-child guilt and grandparent rehabilitation to Emmy, she scoffs. “Yeah, and pigs might fly.” As she tells it, she tried a similar approach a few years earlier, after noticing a clearly unequal distribution of grandparent gifts. “The following year it was worse. It’s like they found out what bothered me, and then went for the kill. To top it off, they blamed me for acting like a spoiled brat for bringing it up.”
Yup, open communication can also be uber-polarizing and go horribly wrong. Even Libby acknowledges that open communication is hard to achieve since everyone must value the process. It’s up to you to assess the situation and decide if it feels right.
Privately Make Grandparents Aware of Favoritism
If group meetings are not your thing, communication is still possible on a smaller scale. Privately letting grandparents know that their behavior appears preferential diminishes the risk of backlash from other family members. It also allows grandparents to process the information outside the glare of public scrutiny.
Let your parents or in-laws know that it’s not okay to compare children in a way that undermines their self-worth. Libby notes that when everyone denies the existence of favoritism, less attention is paid to the way children experience favoritism, which is more likely to cause harm. Airing your concerns removes denial from the equation—or at least your side of the equation.
Spend Less Time with Toxic Grandparents
If the thought of yet another family gathering has you breathing into a paper bag, remind yourself that grandparent favoritism is avoidable. No law mandates grandparent visits. However, if you decide that maintaining a relationship with grandparents is good for your children in the long run, then tease out the source of the problem and avoid that instead.
Perhaps differential treatment is triggered only when your brother’s six-year-old son Charlie is present. As the favorite, the grandparents compare Charlie to his cousins and fawn over his ability to shoot a puck while reciting the list of prime numbers backwards in his head.
Headache-inducing stuff, for sure, but you can always visit grandma and grandpa without your brother’s family present. Problem solved, at least partially. You might still hear about Charlie’s exploits, but changing the subject is easier when it’s just you and the grandparents. More importantly, Charlie won’t be there to serve as a catalyst.
Ratchet-up the Unconditional Love
Libby notes that it’s critical that all children feel loved and appreciated for what makes them special. Jensen would agree: “Show your love to your kids at a greater extent than you currently are. As simple as it sounds, more warmth and less conflict is probably the best answer.” If kids aren’t getting unconditional love at home, they’re probably not getting it anywhere.
Jensen also recommends paying attention to the unique characteristics that each child is attempting to build into their identity and avoiding comparisons. That’s especially important for the most under-valued subcategories of people on the planet—middle-born children. Find out what makes your middle-born kids special and focus on it with laser-like intensity.
When to Accept Favoritism
At some point, it might be time to graciously decide to live with some degree of unfairness—the harmless variety. Your parents are just people, after all, with their own faults, prejudices, and abilities to be fair minded. We can’t substitute a new set of parents for a subpar set, or even change their behavior substantially.
If you do commit to an imperfect family dynamic, messy as it is, don’t think too hard or look too closely at every situation. Show up. Deal with it. Forget it. Ruminating is best left to cows and philosophers. And while you’re at it, it’s probably best to forget that extra glass of memory-dulling wine. Every extra drop means fewer inhibitions, and that is the last thing you need.
When to Pull the Plug on Visiting Toxic Grandparents
Over a year ago, Emmy finally decided to break the cycle of discontent after a particularly grueling Christmas day dinner. “I put up with it for years, hoping things would get better. In the lead up, there’s always the faint hope things will be different. Reality sets in afterwards. Nothing changes. Nothing will. I don’t want my kids to dread holidays or spend days contemplating what they did wrong after the fact.”
The situation is complicated because Emmy’s mother won’t sever ties with her extended family. Emmy understands and is willing to adapt. For her, the evolving holiday paradigm is to skip dinner with the grandparents, which her own parents attend.
She schedules her own celebration on a different day, inviting her parents, siblings, and close friends—with as many kids as she can cram into her condo. “It was a relief when I finally decided it wasn’t worth the headache. We’re starting new traditions, building new relationships, keeping it real—it just feels right.”
Create a Legacy of Fairness
By breaking away, Emmy is also creating her own legacy of fairness passed down from her own mother. “My Mom provided the model. She was fair with my brothers and me, and now with our kids. Every birthday is honored in the same way—as much as humanly possible. If there’s an exception, everyone understands why. The cousins all love each other and can’t wait to get together. I’m hoping my kids continue these traditions with their own families.”
While she approves of her mother’s behavior, Emmy admits there’s probably some favoritism involved. “Mom has six grandkids and probably has a favorite or two,” she says. “If I spent a couple of minutes thinking about it, I could probably come up with names. The point is, I spend no time thinking about it because it doesn’t matter. She treats everyone fairly.”
Leaving a legacy fairness has clear benefits. A warm, loving extended family buffers children from life’s vicissitudes—buffers everyone, really. Multi-generational get togethers can be a rich source of family folklore where families share stories, special foods, and the unique traditions. It’s a goal worth attaining.
Photo credits: rawpixels.com
28 Responses
Observer C
To the grandparents on these threads.
There is no way you know which grandchildren need more than other grandchildren and use that for reasoning for giving more to some grand children or children over others. That is just a pure excuse for hiding favoritism of one child or grandchild over another. The only way you could possibly know whether one grand child needed more than another would have been by spending every day with every family throughout the years. That is impossible unless you are GOD!! There is much your child/married couple wont tell you if you didnt take the time to try and develop a relationship of closeness and trust with them. Grandparents who are actually trying to avoid favoritism would be open and honest with all their children. For example if they provide something large to one child or grand child once or over and over (Time, Support, Money, Gift) because the “believe” that “they need it” they would reach out to the other children let them know they provided that kind of support to the one child/grand child and offer it up to the other children or grand children and to let them know if they ever needed it. So they know the grand parents are not trying to play favorites. Very very very rare that grandparents will ever do this, sadly even grandparents who claim to be Christian. When Christianity is crystal clear that God does not play favorites with respect to the faithful and that this example should in theory flow to followers of Jesus behaviors in family structures. I respectfully don’t speak for other faiths here as I don’t represent them. That is, if the grandparents truly love all their children and grandchildren and try to show as equally as they possibly can?? However, its clear the attitudes of many grand parents is that of “we will do what we want” and explain it away in some fashion. Even use (pick and choose) scripture to support this favoritism behavior. While scripture is clear about the negative impacts of human favoritism. Doubly as hard when its not clear whether the grandfather or the grandmother or both are driving the years of severe favoritism of one child or grandchild?? The “we will do what we want” flows out as typically “one child or grand child needed their love attention money or support” more than the others whose lives “appeared” to them doing better. Or at least that’s the excuse they give while doting on one child or grand kid at the exclusion of many others, sometimes for years. On the opposite end, it is obvious and you can see it when grand parents are truly trying to be as equally loving as possible, they are transparent about it. This sadly is Very very rare!! Ironically its usually the less affluent and humbly living grandparents who are applying less favoritism. I’ve actually seen grand parents who claimed faith—-actively not try to help their daughter and son in law keep their marriage together after many many years of marriage with lots of kids involved, and after the divorce do every thing they could direct or indirect to discredit the former spouse in law. Ignoring that as Christians they should have done whatever they could have done to see what was going on and help the former married couple save their marriage before divorce. Instead their favoritism blocked them from doing the right thing up front. So grand parents—before you excuse away favoritism, look at yourself and see if what the child or in law is telling you is true or not about you??
Anna
Wow! In-laws can be the worst! I am just now realizing that my late husband’s undiagnosed mental illness was because of his narcissistic family who twisted anything about me in order to get him to leave me, at any cost, even on his deathbed. They have now excluded our 12 year old son from every family event thus far since his dad’s death, just to hurt me. I had to beg them to come to his birthday party just 2 weeks after his fathers death! The beneficiary of his insurance policy that i helped pay for over the last 13 out of 20 years was never changed at the main office level and I can’t find our records, so his parents will get his insurance policy and have refused to even cover his funeral costs that I generously included them in! Yet my son genuinely loves his grandparents, which are the only ones he has left. I want to cut them out of our lives so they don’t mess with his head too, but I don’t want to force it, even though I have to fear that they are going to try anything to cause me to lose my job or my child, just like they tried to break up our marriage. His sisters and theirfamilies are in on it too and are my neighbors! It is horrible! I can’t even move because of his credit card debt. I never pushed for my name to be on the house because his family kept saying I would take it from him. Now if I sell, all the proceeds would go to pay his debts that were in his name only! I cannot believe that there are people out there who exist such as these people! Telling lies to their brother on his deathbed to get him angry at me! Getting everyone forded to leave his room for being too loud, but later, after he passed, telling me that the nurse said one person could have stayed. They basically caused him to die alone rather than tell me that I could stay(his sister was told because she was a nurse at the hospital, even though I had been staying on the weekends)! Then the one time I let my son stay with the grandparents, my sister offered to take him to see a MLB game the next day to give him a break and they freaked out on my son and my sister for calling at 930 at night on the cellphone I gave him and refused to let him speak to me other than by text, while I stayed at the hospital with their dying son!
Jim
I am the middle child and my wife is the eldest in her family,, we are now older and but our three children were largely ignored by both sides of the family from our parents (the grandparents). At the time we lived on the West Coast, while my wife’s family lived 3,000 miles away on the East Coast. Both of us had siblings that married into a bit of dysfunction so (I believe) one of my theories is our parents (grandparents) were partly motivated to compensate for these deficiencies and in one case pretty much become the daytime parents of the grandchildren during the early years. Our children were largely ignored by their grandparents. Even through my parents lived nearby they were always tired from raising my sisters kids. My wifes mom (her dad passed before we met) spent all of her free time with the other grandchildren and even when we traveled back east couldn’t wait till we left so she could see drive seven hours to see her other grandchildren. This grandmother would even risk her life make the effort traveling through dangerous ice storms to spend weeks on end with her favorite set of grandchildren – never forgetting Christmas or birthdays for her favored grandchildren. This was not the case for my children. From East Coast grandmother, only a three brief visits occurred over the first ten years to acknowledge the birth of a child. During these brief visits which were five or six days my wifes sisters would call on the phone and monopolize hours of time requesting her to return immediately. Both my wife and I made continual efforts to connect so the grandparents could get to know their grandchildren. For my side, my wife made several visits to my family, even during Halloween, etc. and many times they were out with their other grandchildren. We also made several trips to visit back east and when we arrived on one occasion we were asked when we were leaving as she wanted to visit her grandchildren. She told us that flying was too hard for her as it was a six hour flight and we also offered to cover any expense for this, but it was not possible, but somehow the fear of flying didn’t matter when it came to flying with the other set of grandchildren for a fun trip to Europe. Now my youngest who is now 15 years old, biggest memory of East Coast Grandma from last year telling her saying “Who the hell are you?” on the last visit and this grandmother is now incapacitated in a wheel chair and slipping in and out of reality. My dad passed over five years ago, and now the other grandma my mom (out West) who is done raising the other grandchildren only talks about her eldest grandchild all the time, even when calling my youngest to acknowledge her birthday (which we are happy for the acknowledgement). Now we have moved far away, sad to say, there is not any feeling of loss, only a feeling of relief. I know I am not perfect and like everyone have my flaws, and I fear passing down this pattern of behavior, but my one take away is I’ve learned WHAT NOT TO DO if I ever become a grandparent.
Anonymous
Can relate to this article. On many levels because I believe my parents played family favorites as well as my partner’s family. It’s sad, that it’s gone this way even people whom know my family have said: indirectly to me that my parents have changed and I agree with them. Even some family members have also commented the same thing and yes I agree with them too. I believe their narcissistic people that think that they can control, manipulate and play mind games with me of which they do at times. I absolutely hate it when they do it, as they just go over my head and try to organise my life for me without my say so. Manipulate me, into wanting what they want me to do and when to do it plus triangulation which they’ve tried on the odd occasion and mind games not telling us the full story of what is going on until it’s too late. Thinking of noting things down in a book and letting it all go then burning it once I feel that I’m finished with the book and start a fresh again.
Sue
Thank you for posting this. It’s so painful to see this happening to my family. There’s a definite rift between my kids and their cousins because their grandparents have treated them all so differently. Now that most of them are grown, they no longer have relationships with each other. I still see my cousins semi-regularly and it makes me sad that my children will never have the same experiences.
Kristine
My mom just passed. She favored my 3 nieces over my son his entire life. It was blatant and awful. She never wanted to do anything with any of them to be honest. Never had them over, babysat, baked cookies etc. A complete hands off grandmother who said “I’ve done my time.” Pulling teeth to get her to come to a baseball or soccer game. She would take my nieces shopping for school clothes every year but nothing for mine, until I made her do it one year and then it stopped. My nieces have a fantastic grandmother from the other side and my mom was always resentful she had to “keep up” with her with gifts etc.
So her service is Sat, I talk to her long time boss and friend who is saying a few words at the service last night. He mentions about the “girls” and how much she loved them and I said “well she had a grandson too.” He was stunned and said he never knew and she never spoke of him, only the girls. He said she spoke of the girls daily and he never even knew I had children. I’m beyond shocked and devastated. Needless to say, the grieving has immediately stopped for me and I’ll be glad when that horrible woman is on the grave and I can move on. Yes my son always noticed and was hurt by her favoritism. Highly dysfunctional families on both sides but my husband and I have given my son a wonderful life despite awful, horrible grandparents. Life really sucks at times.
Kristine
My mom just passed. She favored my 3 nieces over my son his entire life. It was blatant and awful. She never wanted to do anything with any of them to be honest. Never had them over, babysat, baked cookies etc. A complete hands off grandmother who said “I’ve done my time.” Pulling teeth to get her to come to a baseball or soccer game. She would take my nieces shopping for school clothes every year but nothing for mine, until I made her do it one year and then it stopped. My nieces have a fantastic grandmother from the other side and my mom was always resentful she had to “keep up” with her with gifts etc.
So her service is Sat, I talk to her long time boss and friend who is saying a few words at the service last night. He mentions about the “girls” and how much she loved them and I said “well she had a grandson too.” He was stunned and said he never knew and she never spoke of him, only the girls. He said she spoke of the girls daily and he never even knew I had children. I’m beyond shocked and devastated. Needless to say, the grieving has immediately stopped for me and I’ll be glad when that horrible woman is on the grave and I can move on. Yes my son always noticed and was hurt by her favoritism. Highly dysfunctional families on both sides but my husband and I have given my son a wonderful life despite awful, horrible grandparents. Life really sucks at times.
Carol
My father in law gave our daughter a considerable large amount of money for Christmas. She is our biological daughter.
Our adopted son he gave him a very small amount of money for Christmas. I was outraged. We didn’t give either of them the money as of yet. They no nothing about it. I’m heart broken and so upset. They are both teenagers. My son also has a learning disability as well. My father in law who is there grandfather is very European like we are both by marriage. It frustrates me to know end how someone can do this to there own grandchildren. My husband just keeps telling me that there is nothing he can do as that’s the way his father is. I can’t stand this man and want nothing to do with him. He is like this with his only sons too..one son gets more money given to him
Lee Anne
My teenagers are painfully aware that their cousins (who live in the same town) are my husband’s parents favorites. It’s been going on for all of their lives. Our children try to find ways to avoid them now because the pain of all the continued favoritism towards their cousins is just too painful and makes them angry at their grandparents too. Our children feel jealous of their cousins and there isn’t a cousin bond. My husband is very passive, but has confronted his parents about this many years ago. His mother was angered and his father wound up saying that he had been stingy with his time.
Anonymous
I have inlaws from hell me and my partner have 2 children and my partner has another brother who has a son and a step daughter, their grandparents treat my partners brothers son like an absolute golden child regularly have him over for sleepovers and look after him always pop In to see him, collect him from school regularly ( my children attend the same school) take him out to nice places buy him lots of things recently my son said why is his cousin only ever allowed to do things with nanny not me (after he see nan picking his cousin up from school and begged her to go to with them and she said no but promised him and my daughter to take them for ice-cream the next day and the next day she said she couldn’t and that she would just be taking the other grandson) it’s awful she has done so many things an endless list countless times I have discussed this before with her and it turned into a blazing row and her reasoning was that her other daughter in law needs her and I don’t !!!!
I explained that it should have nothing to do with us daughter in laws it should be about both of her sons children as they are not just mine they are his to, my partner has spoken to her she just Denys any favouritism.
I’m actually at breaking point with it I live my little nephew but I cannot stand my mother in law to see my children upset over situations she causes kills me I want to cut her off out of mine and my children’s life but I know it will dramatically affect my relationship as my partner says well she’s still my mum.She is evil and i really can not stand her I feel like she enjoys upsetting them because she knows in turn it upsets me and that’s her aim ???
Its such a shame because she lives 10 minutes away and my parents live an hour and 30 minutes away I so wish it was the other way round!
I’m so glad I found this thread because honestly I was starting to feel like I was the only person in the world in this situation.
Debra
We are a blended family of 38 years. We are always amused of playing favorites. My husband often comments that if the kids wanted us to have a close relationship with their children they would live locally. We try hard to include everyone. There are times when one family can afford to buy a car for a child and another’s cannot afford such a luxury. Sometimes Grandparents are attempting to improve the lives of a less “fortunate” grandchild NOT neglect their relationship with their other grandchildren. We have the difficulties of children who want to control the time spent with the grandchildren by making it difficult to visit them or insisting they can’t do a sleepover or whatever. If we offer and they don’t want to come here or their parent’s decide for whatever crisis is going on in their lives they cannot sleep over we cannot control those situations. I will say that at Christmas the same amount of money is spent on each of the seven grandchildren. At all holidays and birthdays we spend equally as well. Also, when we are asked to do something we do not always have time or for whatever reason are not able to attend every event in our grandchildren’s lives. PLEASE, always include an invitation to each event for each child so Grandparents of multiple grandchildren have a chance to attend an event. Once you stop asking, and we ask and aren’t notified or invited, it is a sad day. What I’m saying is don’t give up. Do the right thing buy including invitations etc and allow the Grandparents to have a chance. Yes some families have favorites; however some families my appear to favor but are not doing that.
Sandra
As the middle child I’ve always been the least favored and it has passed down to the kids. My in laws had absolutely nothing to do with my kids and my parents always favored my older and younger sisters kids. My kids cried many a time after visiting with grandma/pa about the gifts, love and attention showered on their cousins. Even as they plan their estate they talk about leaving the majority of it to the cousins virtually forgetting my kids. It hurts me to see my kids so upset. They missed out on a lot of great memories of both grandparents , something they will never get back.
DeVaunte Benjamin
I’m facing the same situation my ex fiancé now been together for 5 years, she feels like my mother is playjng favoritism, I’ve spoke to my mother about that once before I’ve had a long conversation with my mother about because I sat back and watched it for myself. My ex fiancé is taking it out on me, don’t want to be with me due to her but keep expressing let’s cut all ties and not worry because our son is not missing out at all and don’t let it affect us at the end of the day. But she still gets upset, I took up for my fiancé for a reason because I seen it and felt her pain. What can I do to show her that I just want them to get along and do things together I want them to sit and talk about it together. Help me
DeVaunte Benjamin
I’m facing the same situation my ex fiancé now been together for 5 years, she feels like my mother is playjng favoritism, I’ve spoke to my mother about that once before I’ve had a long conversation with my mother about because I sat back and watched it for myself. My ex fiancé is taking it out on me, don’t want to be with me due to her but keep expressing let’s cut all ties and not worry because our son is not missing out at all and don’t let it affect us at the end of the day. But she still gets upset, I took up for my fiancé for a reason because I seen it and felt her pain. What can I do to show her that I just want them to get along and do things together I want them to sit and talk about it together. Help me
Living it
I am living it. Being the middle Chile I was never the favorite. Now that we are all grown and have children, guess who’s children aren’t to favorite. My parents spoil my sisters and their kids rotten (and I do me they are rotten to the core) but does/gives absolutely nothing to me and my family. I’m supposed to listen to my Mother complain about how ungrateful they all are but she doesn’t even attempt to stop spoiling them. I am too old for this crap. What they’ve done has cause so much harm to my children, I should have avoided the grand parents 30 yrs ago. My children really suffered from the unfairness of grandma giving their cousins everything and they got nothing. I feel
So bad for putting my kids through that. I’ll never forgive myself for not moving far , far away when the kids were younger.
Amy
I have been searching for an open forum to discuss this exact topic! My husband and I are a blended family, and my mom and stepdad never even tried to get to know my two step sons (they were 13 when we married). My mother consistently gives clear preferential treatement to one of my biological children, asking him over, going to every baseball game, asking only about him. Sometimes, she will ask about our other children but it is completely fake and out of “obligation”. My husband is done with her as we’ve told her multiple times that all our children deserve the same attention, respect, and love. She goes as far as to go against my instructions as what not to feed my son, and even has him lie for her when she takes him for fast food! He has recently been diagnosed with IBS, and although he likes the junk, it hurts his health. I’m so mad at her and can’t reason with myself on what to do now. Do you cut all ties? When she’s clearly separating our children, not providing the same attention to them all. It shows with everything…gifts, calls, requests to see the one child…I just don’t know what more to do. She underminds me as a parent and doesn’t show love across the board. Help?!
Elsie
Che Boludo – it sounds like your parents are being totally fair:
Your sister got 6k because she had 6 kids. Baby Shower presents are to welcome new life… Why should you get 6k for one baby when your sister only gets 1k per baby. It’s a standard gift for each baby born to the family regardless of if the grandchild is born to your sister or you. If you want 6k in baby shower gifts, have 6 kids. This isnt about you. It’s about giving the same gift per person/grandkid to be fair. If you fail to see how giving a standard amount as a gift for a grandchild’s baby shower is the fair thing to do, I don’t know what to tell you. If you had 6 kids and your sister had 6 kids and your parents gave more per kid to your sister’s 6 kids than to your 6 kids, this would be unfair, but your sisters 6 kids are your parents blood equally as your child. If your child got 1k as a b’day present and your sisters kids got 1k÷6= 166.66
THAT would be unfair. They would feel their grandparents favoured your kid over them. Why would your kid be worth 1000 because they are only 1 and not 6. It doesn’t work that way. If they prepared dinner for your sisters kids, would it make sense to only cook one meal for the 6 kids to share? It makes absolutely no sense.
Sarah M
In the last few days, I found out that my stepmom is skipping my youngest sons birthday party that I sent notice out way ahead of time. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to close her business on that day to come. My dad and grandma are coming but she isn’t. She closed her store for my older sons and never inquires about the youngest. We just moved back closer and I thought my parents would make more of an effort to visit now and they haven’t. I feel my older son is favored and my younger one is missing out over it. No one had brought up his party while everyone talked about my oldest’s party for weeks before hand.
tei
I am facing the same issue here. My in laws show immense favoritism towards my husband’s siblings’ children while treating my kids as if they are distant unwanted relatives. All the members of our family knows this and are unwilling to say anything because my in laws are manipulative and masters at gaslighting. But my husband and I had had enough and finally called them out….and my in laws are playing the victim card, accusing us of being the bad guys basically. My father in law accused us of twisting things while proclaiming that they had not favored anyone. This man who at one point hated my elder son so much that he would blatantly pamper and favor one of my son’s cousin to spite my 6 year old son to the point that the cousin’s own mother stopped her from visiting her grandparents because the excessive favoritism was starting to manifest in bad behavior at home. I am so angry with the whole situation and knowing that things will not change anytime soon makes me want to cut all ties with them.
Terri
Here is our situation: We are loving grandparents of 4 granddaughters, two from one of our daughters and two from the other daughter. We try to treat all our granddaughters the same. I feel myself gravitating towards one set of granddaughters because the other set plays favorites and obviously (they’ve told us in various ways) prefers their other grandparents over us. It breaks my heart when our granddaughters say certain things and our daughter does little to nothing to tell them what they’re saying isn’t nice. I see why the children do it though. The other set of grandparents totally favor and overindulge the girls because they are not on speaking terms with their other children and grandchildren, so the girls are all they have. I have witnessed her (the other grandmother) being manipulative and she is not on speaking terms with us because of something she overheard my husband say about their church and our church. She did not address us directly, but instead tried to drive a wedge between our daughter, son-in-law and us, going to them instead and then cutting ties with us. We have been putting up with this for years and am finding myself less and less wanting to even go over to their house, especially when I know she will be there.
DonStar
not the golden child, but not tortured by it. my personality was alien to my Mother, I’m a tad ruthless, my Mother easy-going, charismatic and fun. She did favour my sister’s children, but my kids never guessed. My Mother just assumed that I’d be OK in life, and I mostly was. Your advice to abandon difficult relationships (toxic grandparents) merely justifies cruelty. you’ve noted matrilineal advantage but skipped over disadvantages facing mothers of sons when grand-parenting. wicked mother-in-laws is a trope worth challenging. relationships are hard work.
Lisa
This ones for you Sonia…I totally hear you and sympathise…you can’t change it, but you can make choices…and you are not alone!!
Take it from an older Ma who has watcher her 3 sons be ignored while the in-law grandparents favour their other grandson…he gets a car for this 18th but mine get a card..that’s it! That’s just one example over the years. My husband and I have worked hard and raised our kids right…but his parents still favour their daughter (a chronic failure who hasn’t worked in years) and her oaf of a son. Believe me…NOTHING will change them so please take your power back from them…choose to only see them if you feel like it and tell your kids the truth (no bad mouthing, just the flat objective truth) and remind your youngest that it has nothing to do with them (they are beautiful just as they are), it’s just how the grandparents are. Quietly explain to your eldest how hurtful that behaviour is and encourage them to share the gifts etc with the younger one. Good luck on this one….
Lisa
This ones for you Sonia…I totally hear you and sympathise…you can’t change it, but you can make choices…and you are not alone!!
Take it from an older Ma who has watcher her 3 sons be ignored while the in-law grandparents favour their other grandson…he gets a car for this 18th but mine get a card..that’s it! That’s just one example over the years. My husband and I have worked hard and raised our kids right…but his parents still favour their daughter (a chronic failure who hasn’t worked in years) and her oaf of a son. Believe me…NOTHING will change them so please take your power back from them…choose to only see them if you feel like it and tell your kids the truth (no bad mouthing, just the flat objective truth) and remind your youngest that it has nothing to do with them (they are beautiful just as they are), it’s just how the grandparents are. Quietly explain to your eldest how hurtful that behaviour is and encourage them to share the gifts etc with the younger one. Good luck on this one….
Lucy
I believe favoritism from parents or grandparents is a form of manipulation
Carys Ann Roberts
Stumbled across this article in the search for some answers relating to a similar situation with my partners family – and so much of the content resonates with me. I know that the issues in this family are so ingrained and completely irreversible but at least I know the situation is ‘a thing’ and from that draw comfort.
Che Boludo
I think this article has some good points. I have one little sister who had her first kid 20 years ago, and her sixth five years ago; I had my only child 3 years ago. To make matters worse, I was out of the country for about fifteen years. I returned to find stellar relationships between my sister and my parents, and my sister’s kids and my parents. I never planned on having kids, so until I had mine, I was like, “Whatever’s clever.” But when I had my kid, oofff! I slowly started noticing how my parents would give each of my sister’s kids the same value of presents as my one kid. And, many more presents for my sister than me, too. For example, a thousand dollars each time a baby was born. And, then for me, too, a thousand. But right there I’m getting a grand while my sister’s getting six grand. Then my dad writes his will and decides to skip his kids on the inheritance, and instead to let the last surviving grandchild decide what to do with his estate. That’s a 16% chance my blood will be the one to be the last surviving grandchild! Anyway… basically what is happening is just an ultimatum on my part to make it equal between my sister and me, and my kid and my sister’s kids, or— bye bye!
I guess I summarized this dynamic because I would like some sympathy and identification from other readers. What kind of stuff are others experiencing?
Sonia Villarreal
Good read. I’m in a spot we’re I have two boys and my In law’s have done some mean stuff to my youngest. It hurts me so bad . They have forgotten to call him on his birthday. Sometimes don’t talk or ask him questions. They have even texted my oldest to wish him a happy birthday and send him a gift card and nothing to my youngest!! My youngest has said why did my grandparents hate me!!! Omg your heart just breaks!!! I can go on and on I was going to call the in-laws but my youngest has asked me to please don’t call. What do you do?? I told my husband we will not be seeing or inviting his parents ever to anything. But I found out they still text my oldest and I don’t like that? The in-laws don’t even reach out to my husband to see how he is doing it’s crazy!!! I think my oldest looks so much like my husband when he was younger and I think they are trying to make up time that they didn’t have with my husband and doing it with my son. How should I handle this ? I’m so angry with the in-laws it makes me sick to see them or hear anything about them. Should I block them on Facebook and delete phone number on my kids phones so they don’t communicate with my kids?? Like I said they don’t even reach out to my husband. Please reach back to me. My husband said he was going to talk to his parents but hasn’t!! Makes me so mad. I’m a momma bear!! I will fight for my baby Cubs. Help me.
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Leah
March 16, 2024
Your article struck a chord so deep. Like so many others here, I’ve dealt with the bittersweet pang of in-laws who shower my kids with surface niceness but never bothered with actual engagement. They’ll ruffle their hair, maybe ask a token question, then retreat to adult conversations.
It’s a slow burn, this frustration. But the inferno was stoked some years ago when my kids were practically invisible compared to their new cousin. Names get mangled – they’re constantly addressed by the baby’s name. The excuse? A chorus of “grandkid overload” from my in-laws. Their obliviousness is almost worse than the misnaming.
What truly broke the dam, though, was the blatant shift at family gatherings. My nephews simply gravitate solely towards the newest arrivals. My youngest, just a year older than golden boy, sits on the sidelines like a forgotten ornament. Witnessing their pointed exclusion stings to the core.
This is where your point about the “matrilineal advantage” hit me like a cold truth bomb. Maybe my subconscious “fight back” is this strange detachment I feel towards these two. It’s not malice, I swear, but a warped reflection of my in-law’s behavior. I just want them to feel, even for a fleeting moment, the sting of being unseen, unheard, untethered to the family \.
Thank you for acknowledging that this isn’t my imagination playing tricks. This “favoritism waltz” is real, and the music hurts. Here’s hoping we can all find a way to harmonize, where every child – no matter their lineage – gets to dance in the warm glow of genuine love and attention.